Raising Kids / Growing parents Resources

4 Stage Process for Selecting A Mate

RKGP Selecting a Mate Week 2 Newsletter

Bill Shackelford

6/8/2026

4 Stage Process for Selecting A Mate

Hello everyone,
In this newsletter we teach you how to use a four-stage process to build lasting relationships.

Introduction

As teenagers, we often fall in love with the idea of being in love and that is perfectly okay. However, as you get older and the stakes get higher, trial and error can be very costly. It can lead to marriages that fail, children born out of wedlock with estranged parents, costly divorce settlements, and other complications.

To avoid these complications, you need to think about a relationship as a process for building what could be a permanent connection with another individual.

If you research "The Stages of Relationships" you will find models that have 5 stages, 6 stages and more. Some of them add stages for when the relationship is distracted by challenges (i.e. Crisis Stage). Others divide several of the stages into two or more separate stages.

However you define them, relationships typically move through distinct stages. We simplified the process into four easy-to-remember titles: Infatuation, Exploration, Confirmation, and Dedication.

Laying A Strong Foundation

A healthy foundation for a relationship is built by walking through all four stages. However, what often happens is we meet someone and become immediately infatuated with them. In no time at all we are announcing to friends and family that, "This is the one"... skipping all the way to Stage 4 (Dedication). Does this sound familiar?

Skipping stages is rarely a winning strategy. To build strong, resilient relationships you have to slow things down and go through each stage in order.

NOTE: Keep reading to learn how you can get a complimentary copy of our Relationship Readiness Activity tool to help you with this critical relationship-building process.

Let's explore each stage!

4 Stages of Relationships

Stage 1: Infatuation
We’ve all been there, where we see (or interact) with someone and are carried away by an overwhelming feeling of passion. This is a natural part of the relationship-building process; however, the feeling may or may not be connected to love. The same feeling of infatuation can be generated by lust, envy, loneliness, or other emotions. It is imperative to determine the reason for the strong feelings you have for the individual.

This stage is also known as the "honeymoon phase". It is defined by romance and attraction. It is where you get to know each other on an emotional and physical level... but not much deeper.

It is typical to stay in this stage for 6 - 12 months.

Stage 2: Exploration
In this stage, you seek to learn as much as you can about the individual. You go beneath the surface to determine if the things that attracted you to the individual have depth. A good way to do this is to compare them to your lists of required and desired attributes (we'll get to those attribute lists later).

If you are attracted to her because of her hair, is it only her hair? Are you just as attracted when the wig or extensions comes off?

If you are attracted to his confidence and decisiveness, does the attraction wane when you see him being uncertain and indecisive?

Exploration is complete when you have abundant evidence that the attraction is real, and that this individual has the potential to be a lifelong mate. That potential is a good starting point for a relationship, but not good enough to make a lifetime commitment. That’s where the third stage comes in.

It is typical to reach the end of this stage after 12-18 months.

Stage 3: Confirmation
In the confirmation stage, you seek an answer to the question: "What would it be like to share every aspect of my life with this individual... forever?"

You have already determined they have many of the qualities required/desired in a mate. Now, you need to consider the routine, mundane, everyday activities that the two of you will experience - issues like money management, family relationships, behavioral traits (like moody, temper, loner, etc.), habits (like smoking, drinking, drugs, etc.), spiritual beliefs, importance of sex, desire for kids, blended family, and many more.

Today, more than half of couples find answers to these tough issues by living together before marriage. The rest find answers to these questions in more "old fashion" ways.

It is typical to reach this stage after two or more years.

Stage 4: Dedication

This stage can be defined as complete devotion to and faith in someone or something (“forever after” or 224 – Today, Tomorrow, Forever). This sentiment is always stated in a commitment ceremony or implied in a committed relationship.

The hard part of dedication is living up to the commitment. Bear in mind that commitment can mean different things to different people – for example:

Putting spouse before your family and friends or putting family first.
Putting family before work or putting ensuring financial stability before family.
Balancing the needs of both careers or putting your career first.
Avoiding infidelity or limiting infidelity.

A good mate is one whose definition of commitment matches yours.

This is the stage of enduring love and where you want to spend the majority of your relationship

Assignment

1. Download your free copy of our Relationship Readiness Activity from our AP Academy Store and use it to: a) determine the current stage of your relationship; and b) identify things you can do to move your relationship forward. Make a copy of the instrument for your mate and have them complete it as well.

2. If you have not done so yet, listen to our Raising Kids / Growing Parents Podcast for this month, “Proven Process for Selecting A Good Mate” (Season 01, Episode 04). Click on the podcast picture below to listen to this podcast before joining us for next week’s activities.

Let’s Grow Together!

Bill Shackelford, Founder
AP Academy and
Raising Kids / Growing Parents Communit

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