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A Simple Tool To Evaluate Your Relationship

RKGP Selecting a Mate Week 3 Newsletter

Bill Shackelford

6/15/2026

A Simple Tool To Evaluate Your Relationship

Raising Kids/Growing Parents Community

Hello everyone,
In this newsletter we continues our discussion of how to select a mate.

The road to selecting a good mate starts by developing a clear understanding of what you need in a mate. Notice we did not say what you want. Sometimes, needs and wants can be in conflict. You may want to marry a millionaire, but you may really need someone (rich or poor) who inspires you to achieve the dreams you have for your life.

If you took advantage of the life planning activities from our previous newsletters, then you have a documented Life Plan, a pretty good idea of what you want to do with your life, and the things you need to do to achieve those goals. If not, now is a good time to download your copy of our How To Develop A Plan for Your Life module at our AP Academy Store.

What Is The Selecting A Mate Scorecard?

When it comes to choosing a mate, process is everything. Here's an abbreviated process from our Selecting a Good Mate training that many couples find eye-opening: the Selecting a Good Mate Scorecard. This tool gives you a proven process for evaluating potential mates. It starts by having you write out three lists that clearly define the things you want in a mate, things you need in a mate, and the things you want to avoid. These three areas are defined as:

  • Desired Attributes: These are qualities you would like in a partner (but aren’t make-or-break). Examples: “good sense of humor,” “enjoys travel,” “values family dinners.” Write down traits that would enhance your life, even if they are not absolute necessities.

  • Required Attributes: These are essentials for a healthy, long-term partnership. These could include core values or life goals. Examples: “Desire to have kids,” “similar work ethic,” “aligned faith or values.” On your scorecard, list what you and your partner must share to make a stable home.

  • Deal-Breakers: These are behaviors or circumstances that would make it very difficult to stay together in the long run. Examples: “Addiction,” “financial irresponsibility,” “violent or abusive behavior,” “ambivalence about parenting.” Be honest – acknowledging deal-breakers is what keeps small issues from becoming big crises.

How To Use The Scorecard

Once you have your three lists, they become the “Scorecard” you use to evaluate compatibility of potential mates (or to identify areas where you and your current mate are out of alignment). Your well-thought-out lists will provide important insights. Many couples say it prompts conversations they’ve been avoiding or never thought to have. For example, you might discover that an issue you thought was “no big deal” is actually deeply important to your partner.

If you are in a serious or committed relationship, have your partner also complete this activity. Set aside a calm time with your partner to discuss the lists. Go line by line, talking and taking notes about each point. Keep in mind that the goal is understanding and alignment, not blame.

By completing this scorecard activity you set the stage for great clarity about what you need in a mate, whether the individual you are currently with is a good mate, and, if not, what your next steps should be.

If you are still searching for that “perfect mate” your scorecard will be invaluable. When you find that potential Mr./Ms. Right, pull out your scorecard and check to see how close your potential mate is to the ideal. If close, continue to the next step. If not, move on to the next potential mate. This sounds kind of cold but, remember, you are selecting someone who will be a part of your life for the rest of your life. This is a decision that should not be made lightly.

Ready for More?

This brief introduction to the tools in our selecting a good mate training is just the start. Download your copy of the full Scorecard exercise at the AP Academy Store. Our Proven Process for Selecting A Good Mate training includes the scorecard and other tools to help you master the mate selection process.

Take control of your future with a better process for selecting that individual who will be by your side to support you on your journey.

Let’s Grow Together!

Bill Shackelford, Founder
AP Academy and
Raising Kids / Growing Parents Communit

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